Dear Feminist

You feminist broads are a bunch of losers. Always sitting around blaming men for your screw ups. Well times are changing, baby. In a few months my book titled “How To Train Your Woman” is going to be published and I’m going to blow the lid off of Phony baloney feminism. Instead of blaming men why don’t you try on some personal responsibility. Ever hear of it? ~Donald

Donald, indeed I have heard of responsibility. What I haven’t heard of, however, is “How to Train Your Woman” – which two years after you’ve written your email I have yet to find in any bookstore, online or off! I must say I’m sorely disappointed, because I was looking forward to reading what would surely be a fascinating expose into the world of woman-training. Would you mind sharing some of your tips? Did any of them involve duct tape and a white van – because if so, you’re exactly the guy I thought you were.

Oh PLEASE! What did your daddy do to you to make you so hateful? You hate men. You hate babies. You make women look like whiny little brats! Women have it great! Life is wonderful! Get over it! Stop and smell the flowers, not the penis you wish you had.

Thank you for your kind note, but I must ask: How do I stop smelling the penis I wish I had? Truly, I’m trying to work this out. I mean, do people smell penises in general? Is this some new thing the kids are doing that I’m not privy to? If so, I imagine it would be much harder to smell if said penises doesn’t exist (outside the confines of my deepest hopes and desires, naturally). Any advice to this end would be much appreciated. P.S. I’m all for your suggestion to stop and smell the flowers, admittedly this is something I need to do more often. Maybe I’ll join a gym or take Italian lessons…